Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I find myself having "shoulda, coulda, woulda" moments lately thinking about my Dad.

I'm sure everyone who has lost a loved one has moments like these, and I've tried for months just to not think about it. Some days I can't keep the thoughts back and it's overwhelming.

There are so many things I wish I would have just said to him when we found out he was sick. We knew he was dying, yet I couldn't allow myself to tell him the things I wanted to say. It was as if by saying all these things it made it more final, you know?

My way of dealing with it was probably not the best. I feel like I just tried to push all the scariness and truth away and hide from it. It scared me to see Dad sick, it scared me to think about life without him, and I just froze.

I didn't say all the things I should have. I said "I Love you", but I feel like that just wasn't enough.

 I feel like I should have told him thank you for being an amazing Dad, for teaching me so many things. From cooking to tools, he taught me all. He never missed a choir performance/musical/awards banquet. He would drive all the way up to SLU for every Laurentians concert and every Radio Bob Band gig. He had patience when I had none with my kids. He would always laugh when I was frustrated and say "by the time Mason is 6, they'll slow down, just hang in there". HE was always there to help out ion PA when I needed a babysitter but couldn't find one. He would drive to PA just to watch the boys when Ryan and I had to work the same weekend. He never missed a birthday party or Holiday in PA.

I just wish I had had the courage to tell him thank you for all this while he was still here. I was a coward, I was scared and I was trying not to face the reality of the situation.

I find myself thinking about him so much lately with all the new and exciting stuff going on in our lives. He was always the first person I would call to talk to or to share a funny Aidan/Mason story. My brother and I have both said for the longest time we both would still have the quickest flash of an urge to call Dad when something happened. So we call each other now instead. 

I know time heals all wounds, but I know the idea of not having my dad around will never get easier. I just hope that as time goes on (it has only been 5 months after all) that the unsuspecting bouts of missing Dad so bad it hurts will ease up.